The 'Power' pays for his genius

Darts supremo Phil 'The Power' Taylor will have to overcome an obstacle that no other dart player in the history of the game have ever encountered.

The PDC (Professional Darts Council), have held an exclusive meeting and decided that the arrow master from Stoke On Trent who wins most tournaments across the globe, that from next season 2011-2012 the maestro will start on 601 and his opponents starting on the traditional 501.

A spokesman for the PDC Ivan Harrow said after the meeting that this will give every other dart player a chance to be a winner.

However Taylors management team are up in arms about this decision, Taylors spokesman Simon Hockey said this is an insult to Phil and the game in general, its not fair that Phil's superb talent should be handicapped. In fact, his fellow professionals should up there game to Phil's standards.

The multi millionaire Taylor commented last night from his mansion in the Potteries, this sort of thing doesn't really bother me, if they want i'll only throw two darts, nothing fazes me, when i am on the oche i am totally focused on beating my opponent, 601, two darts bring them on.

Darts legend Eric Bristow commented, if the PDC think this will stop Taylor, i'll pick up my darts tomorrow and get some practise in, it would be nice to win something again.

Story by Charlie Snorter

Isle of Wight on the move

Scientist based in Portsmouth has announced today that the Isle of Wight is moving south at an alarming rate.

Measurements taken over the last 12 years have provided evidence that the island is not just moving further away from the mainland, but is speeding up.

The measurements show that in 1999 the Hampshire island was edging south at a rate of one inch (2.5cm) a year. In 2009 the rate has increased to 100 FEET (35 metres) per year.

Doug Trenches, Geologist and Plate tectonic expert at Portsmouth University, explained, “The Island is moving away from the mainland at an alarming rate for a land mass. We know land is moving all the time, which is why we have earthquakes, but this is something else. Why and how are things, as yet, we don’t understand. Basically it’s like a runaway ship, and a large one at that. I can’t see it getting slower, only faster”.

Mike Chinn from the Ocean Liners and Passenger Ferry Trade Union (OLPFTU) expressed his concern with the affect this will have with shipping; “I must say that we at the OLPFTU are concerned and are currently arranging a seminar to help those who will be affected. Shipping companies will have to change their routes to avoid the island and Passenger Ferry companies will also need to update their health and safety policy”.

Sid Sneeth, a private ferry operator from Limington, stated “I’ll have to see if I can put me prices up, now we have to go further”.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Car Transporters to beat congestion

The new coalition government has announced today a new plan to reduce the amount of congestion on the countries motorways.

As from 2011 all inside lanes on the major motorways will be designated ‘Transporter Lanes’ and will be used by car transporters taking commuters to and from their workplace, with their cars.
The idea is the brainchild of Conservative MP for Kinston-St Paul Major Gerald Wilkinson-Smythe.

“It will work in a similar way to the ‘park & ride’ schemes” said the Major, “only in this case the cars are driven onto a transporter before being taken along the motorways to their required destinations. Prices will be fixed per route, so it won’t matter what type of car you have, it will be the same price for all”

In a statement released by the coalition last night it suggested the scheme would enable more cars to travel on the motorways without congesting the routes. It would also mean the driver would be in complete control as to whether they return on the transporter or drive to another destination themselves. It would also enable the drivers to work whilst travelling as there will be electrical outlets available to enable commuters to plug in laptops and other electrical devices.
It is understood there would be loyalty points given to the drivers that make use of the scheme which will enable them to purchase petrol/diesel at a cheaper rate. To encourage drivers to make the return journey on the transporter triple points would be rewarded to those who decide to take that option. The sites of the loading and dropping off points will be located next to existing Park & Ride sites to enable the commuter the option of using the bus once at their chosen destination.

A spokesman for the RAC has released a short statement applauding the idea. It reads:
‘We applaud the idea. Any way of reducing the amount of traffic on our roads is welcomed, and this scheme rates highly on our books’.

Work will start on creating the loading and drop off points in the autumn with the M4 being the first motorway planned to be up and running with the scheme by 31st January 2011.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

The Stig to appear on Strictly Come Dancing

Top Gear has announced that it has agreed for The Stig to appear in the forthcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing, providing he keeps his helmet on.

The mysterious ‘Tame Racing driver’ from the hit BBC2 show will partner former winner Alesha Dixon and will be competing against other well known celebrities to impress the judges and the viewing public in order to survive potential elimination.

Dixon, 39, is said to be thrilled to be partnering The Stig but is concerned his helmet may get in the way of some of the moves.

Producers of the popular show tried to convince the Top Gear man to remove his trade mark helmet during the dance routines, promising they would pixelate his face when the programme was broadcast in the autumn. However The Stig would have none of it and threatened to walk out on the deal. Eventually the show’s producers gave in and agreed for the popular driver to keep his helmet on.

Top Gear co-presenter Jeremy Clarkson said “We all think it’s brilliant. I think he’ll be great. During filming of the show he’s always listening to that dance hall music crap”.

Other celebrities booked for the show include Timmy Mallett, Bill Gates, Lewis Hamilton, Paris Hilton and O.J. Simpson.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

David Beckham to replace Ross

The BBC has announced today that David Beckham will replace Jonathan Ross as the Friday night chat show host.

Ross hosts his last show next Friday (16th July) before he leaves the BBC after 10 years of employment.

For Beckham this will be the first step away from football and into a lucrative career in the TV industry. A move he has been craving and working on for some time.

Sources in the US of A say that since he has been based in the States he has had his head turned away from football by his celebrity friends. His latest injury, which forced him out of England’s World Cup squad, is thought to have been the final straw for the 43 year old winger. Our sources say that during a dinner with Robert Downey Junior, Calista Flockhart and Scary Spice he bemoaned the current state of English football and declared his interest in the Hollywood industry. It is believed that it was Downey Junior, a close friend of Ross, who first suggested to Beckham to take the place of the outgoing TV host.

After many meetings and screen tests the suitably impressed BBC executives offered him a five year contract to host the Friday evening chat show.

Rumours that his wife is to replace the popular musical foursome Four Poofs and a Piano are as yet unfounded.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

New Coalition Stamp Announced

The Royal Mail has announced that it is in the process of designing and producing a ‘coalition’ stamp.

This will be a first for the Royal Mail as, up until now, with the exception of the current monarch no living person from parliament has ever been represented on a UK stamp.

A spokesman for the Royal Mail, Sir Harvey Wallop, stated that, "The Royal Mail decided it was time to come into the modern age and change the rules. For the last 170 years we have followed rules laid down by Sir Rowland Hill. Today we decide to leave that behind and start afresh. The Royal Mail has often been criticized for living in the past. We say no more. The Royal Mail has now stepped into the present and will take a lead on what happens to the service in the future”.

Sir Charles Gaffney, Labour MP for East Chiswick called the idea “A great waste of tax payers money” and a “Stupid and idiotic idea that makes the Royal Mail look more foolish than ever”.

Lady Frances Fenton-Smythe, the Conservative MP for Upper Stunthorpe thought the idea was wonderful and felt that “This has been something the Royal Mail should have done some time ago. Welcome to the 21st Century”.

Derek Cuttle, the Liberal MP for Gelling-on-Sea stated “I see this as a step forward for the country. I do understand the view of the Labour MP, however I can also see the point that the Conservative MP has made. I think it’s a bit of both.”

As we went to press it was not known as to the value of the coalition stamp would be.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Wimbledon Tennis & Football Club to ground share

In a move to ensure the fantastic facilities currently in use at Wimbledon are used throughout the year the Gullible Times have been advised that the All England Tennis Club and Wimbledon AFC have agreed to ground share for the next six years.

A spokesman for Wimbledon Football Club stated “I’m sure there are many fans wondering why we have decided on this venture but I say this; think of the many plus points there are for this football club. Apart from the fantastic facilities and the use of the ball boys and girls throughout the season we will also have one of the smallest pitches in the league, a pitch that will suit our style of play perfectly.

Tim Newton from the All England Tennis Club provided the press with the following statement.
“We at the All England Tennis Club wish to welcome Wimbledon Football Club to our hallowed arena and encourage them to make the most of our fantastic facilities. All of the board see this venture as being good, not just for lawn tennis, but also for football and the surrounding community”.

A spokesman from the Football Association refused to comment on whether the size of the pitch, restricted in size, was legal for the forthcoming season and would only say “The FA are more than pleased to see ground sharing in these difficult economical times. The All England Tennis Club and Wimbledon FC should be congratulated and applauded for their forward thinking and we all hope this venture will encourage other football teams to ground share in the future”.

Ex Wimbledon footballer turned film star Vinnie Jones refused to comment when told of the news whilst on location for his latest film, ‘Romeo & Juliet 2’.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

U-TURN on Smoking Ban

The Government have been concerned about the amount of pubs closing in Britain. Every week sixteen pubs close down, causing thousands of job losses and empty buildings every year.

However, a new Bill will come into effect very soon. A trial will be held and will take place at the end of July in Ashford, Kent.

A disused pub is being opened up for Smokers. The idea is that you enter the pub without tobacco, and buy tobacco and smoking accessories at the bar, thus enabling the Landlord to make his living.

But you cannot buy alcohol in the premises. The idea is that you bring your own alcohol, but it can only be drunk outside of the premises as the landlord only has a smoking licence and not an alcohol licence.

John Benson a leading marketing guru commented "If this takes off it will give back to the community what they have been wanting since the smoking ban. It would also take tobacco out of our top supermarkets and corner shops, making it harder for kids to get. And also it would push cheap alcohol from the shelves of local supermarkets.

If this trial is successful, empty pubs will be open all over the country, taking 300,000 off the dole by Christmas.

Ray Hedges who used to drink and smoke in the pub being used said, " This is a fantastic idea, I think it will catch on. And aptly the pub will be renamed " THE PUFFIN "

Story by Charlie Snorter

Glastonbury Festival to move site

At the end of this years’ Glastonbury Festival farm owner and co-organiser will stun the local populous by announcing that the festival will be moved to another site.

The Gullible Times have been reliably informed by its sources that Mr Eavis has been in negotiations with many venues for many years to move the festival from its current Somerset location.

Over the years Eavis has had to fight a yearly battle to obtain a licence for the festival from Mendip District Council and, because of this, he felt it was time to move. Many believe that people on the council, based in Shepton Mallet, were aware of his desires and were concerned the area would be hit by a huge loss of revenue, which is why the council recently gave him a six-year licence in an effort to keep the festival at its current site in nearby Pilton.

However, it now appears Eavis has already signed a deal.

The Gullible Times can exclusively reveal that the Glastonbury Festival 2013 will be held at the site that will become vacant after the 2012 Olympic Games have been held. Specifically, the main stage will be in the middle of the Olympic Stadium with the performers and crew using the Olympic Village for accommodation. Other stages still have to be allocated their new positions on the Olympic complex.

In a leaked statement to be read out after this year’s festivities come to a close Eavis is quoted as saying “For years I have had to battle MDC (Mendip District Council) at Shepton Mallet just to get a licence for the gig. It’s got to the stage where I feel they do not want me or the music in their area, so time to move on. I’m sure some residents of Pilton will be glad to see the back of me, but I’m equally sure there will be many who will miss me. Either way I have to do what’s best for the festival and, if moving it will mean the festival continues long after I’m gone, then so be it”.

Rumours that the festival will change its name to the Glasto-London Festival of Music and Arts have, so far, been unproven.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Not a BLEAK outlook for Christine!

Reports coming from inner London this week is that telly babe Band Lamps missus Christine Bleakley will defect the BBC, but not for ITV as expected.

Word is, that the Ulster born WAG has been offered a lucrative contract with Chelsea Football Club in the role of Club Ambassador. The job means travelling the globe to get Chelsea FC worldwide recognition, as well as other roles that the strenuous job incurs. It is believed the Belfast beauty will quit The One Show once Lamps gets home from South Africa which could be as early as next week.

Her salary per annum is reported to be in the Ten Million bracket, which puts her among the richest females in the football industry along side Karen Brady of Birmingham and West Ham fame.

Its not known if the contract has been signed yet as the BBC are desperately trying to keep there couch beauty with other lucrative offers, including her being the face of the new Top of the Pops, which is due on our screens in the autumn.

However, the Chelsea job is something she could find hard not to turn down. Sources say that her Chelsea and England boyfriend Frank Lampard has been a great influence on her life in the last six months, and it looks like Stamford Bridge is going to be her new home.

Her agent refused to say anything yesterday, but waved his blue football scarf at us.

Story by Charlie Snorter

England’s drivers to drive on the right.

Following the announcement to fill in the English Channel (See entry English Channel to be filled in!) and in a move to come into line with other EEC countries England’s drivers will be instructed to drive on the right side of the road. This rule will come in to force sometime during November 2013.

However, drivers in Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales will STILL continue to drive on the LEFT!

This has caused many drivers associations to condemn the government’s plans as ‘An accident waiting to happen’. “What a stupid rule, it’s just an accident waiting to happen”, said David Mintyburg from the RAC. He continued, “What the government think they’re doing is anyone’s guess, it’s just ludicrous, idiotic, I can’t believe this is going to happen”.

It must be noted here that Mr Mintyburg’s opinion in no way reflects those of The Gullible Times or its staff.

A government spokesman, Geoff Haffendon, stated the following; “We in the government feel it is our duty to do what we can to make Britain a safer place to live and to be a more enjoyable experience for visitors to these shores. Part of that commitment is to do something about the high number of road incidents. It is a well known fact that anyone coming from Europe currently finds driving on the ‘wrong’ side of the road awkward and unnecessary, so we are doing something to address the issue. Once the English Channel has been filled in we want to encourage visitors to England and this is one way to make them feel more welcome”. When asked about the other home nations not taking part in the instruction Mr Haffendon refused to comment.

The Irish Republic announced that they had no need to join in with the plan as, and I quote, “All our drivers drive in the middle of the road anyway”.

Car manufacturers have welcomed the move.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

English Channel to be filled in!

In a move to encourage visitors from Europe to visit England plans have just been announced to fill in the English Channel to enable road traffic to drive directly from Europe into the country.

In a statement released by the Ministry of Tourism it was announced that ‘The English Channel has long been a barrier to the motorist, both in England and in Europe. After a long meeting with the European Tourist Society, based in Paris, France, it was agreed that the easiest and cheapest method to assist the motorist would be to fill in the gap between England and France’

It is thought the spiralling costs of running the Channel Tunnel persuaded both parties that this would be the best option to choose for both sides. The statement continued to say ‘Shipping will not be affected as there will be two canals built, with bridges spanning both of them, to enable any sized shipping vessel to navigate between the North Sea and the Atlantic Ocean via the south of England.

The project will also be a boost to the property market in the south-east of England and the north-west of France.

A spokesman for the Keep England English Group, James Smithys-Saint-Hornet, however gave the following warning to the project, “This will just make it far easier for anyone to come into the country. Now, instead of trying to hide themselves in Lorries and cars they’ll be able to walk it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist, I love a curry as much as anyone, but there just isn’t room for all these people who keep coming over, no work for them either”.

It must be noted here that Mr Smithys-Saint-Hornet’s opinion in no way reflects those of The Gullible Times or its staff.

Workers for P&O and other ferry operators are meeting to discuss a course of action tomorrow.

Work is expected to start after the London Olympics in 2012.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

England World Cup Betting Scandal

Just days before England's opening match of the 2010 World Cup yet more embarrassment was placed on the England World Cup camp yesterday when it emerged that a betting scandal was taking place.

A source working closely with the team said that Wayne Bridge had been taking bets on which WAG John Terry would score with during the first week of the tournament.

Bridge fell out with then team-mate Terry whilst still at Chelsea because of the mickey-taking antics of the former England captain.

Our source reveals that, during training, Terry would encourage Bridge to run forward, knock the ball down the left wing and shout to the left-back “There you go, cross that, Bridge, when you come to it”. A number of Bridge’s colleagues felt Terry’s constant barracking was too much.

It didn’t stop when Bridge and his then girlfriend, underwear model Vanessa Perroncel (28), parted. Apparently Terry would shout out “Look out, low Bridge” and sing the song ‘Bridge Over Troubled Waters’ as the troubled left-back turned up for England training.

It now appears that Bridge is getting his own back.

For those who want to know Abigail Clancy (24), the girlfriend of Peter Crouch is the red hot favourite according to our source.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Unknown Dinosaur Skeleton found deep in Cheddar

Reports coming from central Somerset is that the Bristol School of Archaeology have discovered a totally new species of prehistoric killing machine.

The bones were discovered last month deep inside an unknown chamber in Cheddar caves. The archaeologists were actually scraping away at an area that looked like the remains of a caveman, and found a deep hollow.

Inside the vast chamber was a complete and intact skeleton of a creature not known to human kind, and early reports confirm it probably dates back to the Triasic period, which is about 930 million years ago.

After three weeks of careful and delicate scraping, the bones all intact were removed from the chamber. Scientists, Archaeologists travelled across the globe to capture this remarkable moment.

Its not confirmed by the PMS ( prehistoric monster society ) what the new skeleton will be called but early rumours from the DNA ( dinosaur naming association ) has its money on Cheddarcavious.

Story by Charlie Snorter.

Yuri Gagarin was English

Very few people know that Yuri Gagarin was actually English.

He was born in the tiny hamlet of Milton Clevedon in Somerset, the only son of George and Abigail. He had a quiet rural upbringing and left school with but the basic education.

In 1943 a secret department in Whitehall gained funds to start the British Space Organisation (BSO) and they were soon advertising for personnel. However, because of the War in Europe they found very few willing to join. The BSO concentrated on helping the British develop the RADAR system whilst the war continued and quietly set itself up in waiting for peace to arrive.

As soon as the war was over they advertised again. This time they were inundated with ex-RAF and Navy personnel. In 1946 Yuri, or Gary as was his English name, applied and was taken in to work at the then secret location of Bletchley Park.

By 1957 Yuri had applied himself well and was first in the pecking order to be Britain’s first man into space. The only problem now was that, due to the post war recession, funds were low and a rocket that was powerful enough to take a man into space was too costly to build.

By now the Soviets and the USA had taken the lead in the space race. They were also keen to employ technicians and experts that had shown their worth during the war. Yuri was courted by both countries but, perhaps because of fighting with the Russians during the war, Yuri went east.
On 1st April 1961 he telephoned his father, his mother died a year previously, to tell him that he would become the first man in space in 11 days time. Sadly, thinking it was an April Fools prank his father put the phone down without saying a word. Two days later his father died of a heart-attack.

12th April 1961 Vostock 1 took off from the launch pad with Yuri inside. Twenty five minutes later he was weightless and orbiting the Earth. He was also nearly legless as he had sneaked in a couple of bottles of cider into his capsule, in honour of his West Country roots. The mixture of pure oxygen and alcohol was a strong one. Luckily he was able to sober himself up before he landed with the help of a traditional English roast dinner that he’d also managed to smuggle onboard.

Once he landed Yuri was created a national hero. Parades were arranged in his honour and medals were awarded him by his adoptive country. Back home in Somerset some of his old school mates had a few ciders for him in the local pub, appropriately called ‘The Star’.

In March 1968 Yuri was tragically killed in an air crash on the Russian-Norwegian border. His body was never found.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Message from space deciphered

Space researchers in Pasadena have finally cracked the code and deciphered a message that was received from space in early February of this year.

The signal came from a dark cluster from deep within the Horse Head Nebula star cluster and was picked up by the researchers late one night. Initially it was thought to be cosmic anti-static but, after some studying, the researchers discovered a pattern to the signal suggesting it was sent from some form of intelligence.

The research team were shocked and stunned once they’d managed to decipher the message. Lead researcher Coby Mickleson said, “We’re shocked and stunned. To receive something from outer space is great, to receive something that is clearly from an intelligent source is fantastic, however, we never expected this”.

A full transcript of the deciphered message can be seen below.

Hello,

I believe you are a responsible person and a trustworthy individual.

If this is so then this message is of the most importance and should be treated as such.

I have 60,000 quindogs held in the Quantom Central Bank in Alpha Centuri, and I was wondering if you could help me get them transferred.

All I need from you are your bank account details and passwords.

You will be rewarded.

Please respond pronto.

Yours,

Org.

It is not known of the research teams’ response at this time.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Bomb scare at England training camp!

Fears rose today over the safety of our players at the England training camp in Austria.

Just a couple of weeks away from the World Cup, our dreams could have been shattered forever. During a training session today in the high altitude of the Austrian Alps.

David James and Peter Crouch both collapsed during a challenge on the goal line during a friendly match arranged between the 30 man squad by Fabio Capello the Manager, Coach, and Director of Football.

The England Medical team rushed to the incident and found both players struggling to breathe, oxygen was used to revive the players, and Capello called off the training session immediately and ordered an instant inquiry.

It was found that when Crouch and James landed after the challenge, it set off an old World War Two gas bomb that was buried just centimetres below the turf just inside the six yard box.

An expert said if it had fully detonated the whole town and surrounding countryside would have been poisoned with mustard gas, endangering life and wildlife to extinction in this particular area, which would have cover approximately three hundred square miles.

There are reports already coming from Hollywood about making this story into a film, with The Great Escape 2 suspected to be the title. Some reports say that MGM have already signed up David Beckham and Gareth Barry to play themselves, other reports believe Ossie Ardiles may come out of retirement to play small part in the production.

The England camp have now moved to safer grounds in Poland.

Story by Charlie Snorter.

June - July Blackout across parts of Europe

Scientists are predicting more eruptions from the active Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull 'pronounced' "Ay-yah-fyah-lah-yoh-kull" as approved by Susie Dent from the English Oxford Dictionary and of course Countdown fame.

The volcano has become so unstable in the last few days scientists are concerned that it will trigger the larger volcano which unfortunately cannot be translated into English. This almighty volcano only stands 70 miles away, and underground movement has started to create lava flows 300 feet below the surface linking both volcano's. If the big one erupts it would spell disaster across much of Europe including the British Isles. The ash content could block out the sun during the last two weeks of June and the first two weeks of July Twenty Four hours a day.

Plants would die, animals will hibernate, and according to reports coming from Somerset, the electric bill for the Glastonbury Festival would exceed Ten Million pounds! There are late talks about cancelling the Festival because of the costs, but Mr Eavis who holds and runs the Festival said " The only Ash that will bring this festival to its knees is that band from Northern Ireland.

It was revealed today by Mr Eavis that he was actually born in Iceland and moved to Somerset in 1975 when Bjork was born!

Story by Charlie Snorter.

Millwall Football Club doesn't exist!

Back in 1887 during the great depression of the south east of London, there was a bunch of lads who used to work on the docks, and during their lunch hour they would have just enough time to crunch on an apple and kick a ball around.

After a few months of this activity they found there ball skills were up to scratch with the other dockers the other side of the river called the hammers!

This led to the very first ball game of soccer or as it is now called these days football!

Unfortunately the game didn't actually finish with the hammers leading 4 nil. A fight broke out. This was never heard of in these parts of the country!

Anyway a couple of years went by and a proper football association was formed by a nazi government. Millwall in german means 'win all', but unfortunately in jewish it means 'lose all', and this got a young fellow in munich thinking!

His name was Adolf Hitler! So after his so called suicide in a bunker deep in german territory in 1945 (I don't want to dwell on his murderous campaigns) the nazi party fell apart, thus leading to a new football federation called the FA.

The FA had a meeting in 1947 to discuss Millwall FC, apparently then FC meant something else to the local people of Streatham and the surrounding suburbs. Great players like Bobby Charlton, Stanley Matthews,George Best,Pele never played at the Den, their home ground.

Millwall FC still thrives today, and treading the streets around the New Den be on the look out! You might see David Beckham or Fliknife!

Story by Charlie Snorter

Jack and Jill were sisters (and killers)!

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the nursery rhyme about Jack and Jill. You know, the one about two people who went up a hill to get a pail of water, one of them gets hurt and so on.

Well, it appears that Jack was not a guy but a girl, and their reasons for being up the hill in the first place have proven to be rather sinister.

The story originated long before it was first published (1760) and basically was the story of the exploits of two sisters in old Anglo-Saxon England. One Nursery Rhyme expert has even gone as far to say that the rhyme was written by the girls’ mother.

There are lots of versions but all share the same opening four lines.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after

After much research it can be revealed for the first time of this website that the rhyme refers to an assassination attempt on an unnamed King to be!

The clues lay in the translation back to the Anglo-Saxon words it was originally written in.

The word ‘fetch’ in the second line is a corruption of the Anglo-Saxon word ‘getch’ meaning ‘to kill’. In modern English the word, ‘get’ (as in “someone’s out to get me”) is derived from this. Then comes ‘a pail of water’ which can be translated back to ‘fall of waiter’. The ‘waiter’ in this instance is the person ‘waiting’ to be pronounced King. So for ‘fall of waiter’ read ‘the King in waiting was felled’. Let’s continue, ‘Jack fell down’ (Jack fell on the King) ‘and broke his crown’ (literally, broke the crown that the ‘King’ was about to wear over the victims head) ‘and Jill came tumbling after’ (‘tumbling’ is the Anglo-Saxon for ‘scarper’ or ‘dash’ so the true meaning is that they both ‘ran away’).

So, the rhyme should read as follows:

Jackie and Gill went up the hill
To kill a King to be
Jackie felled the king by cracking his crown
And Gill joined when it was time to flee.

Jack should be called Jackie and Jill should be spelled Gill, short for Gillian. Researchers have suggested that this was not the first time that these girls would have done such a deed. Stating that to have had a song (as the rhyme originally would have been orated) written about them suggests they were well known for what they did and also well liked.

It just goes to show that we should never take what we think we know for granted.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

David Bowie was a Monkee

I’m sure many of you know that David Bowie’s real name was David Robert Jones. You may have also heard that he changed his name in order not to be confused with the Davey Jones in the Monkees.

Well The Gullible News can exclusively reveal that they were one and the same man.

As the popularity of the Monkees began to tail off Davey decided he wanted a change in direction. Fearing his squeaky clean image created for the Monkees would hinder his new plans he decided to create a whole new persona, one where he could hide behind a mask and become who he really wanted to be.

So he changed his surname to Bowie and started to release his music. Initially he used an out-of-work actor to stand in for him for the photo-shoots and interviews. Thus giving him time to ease himself away from the popular TV series, that had made him famous.

After the first four albums had been released Davey was aware that to continue with his project he’d have to take over from the actor playing his part. So he had extensive plastic surgery to make him look like the actor and had voice coaching to ensure they sounded the same. Because he had to hide the scars caused by the surgery he cleverly invented Ziggy Stardust and Aladdin Sane so he could hide behind the make-up whilst it all healed.

To make sure nobody could discover his secret he hired a young English actor called Bob Roberts to ‘be’ Davey Jones when required. This caused a few awkward moments during the 1990’s when the original Monkees decided to reform. Lucky for Bowie the stand-in had a voice every bit as bad as Davey did, and so they got away with it.

Today Bowie refuses to discuss his past and will refute any story linking him with the Monkees.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Welcome to the Gullible Times

Hello and welcome to The Gullible Times.

As we all know the Internet provides us information on a second by second basis. We can find out almost anything at anytime. A lot of what we read we take on trust. This is where it can all go wrong.

How many of you believe what you read on the Internet to be true?

The answer to this question is that it all depends on the source!

So, welcome to the Gullible Times blog.

This blog will provide you news from across the globe. History news, entertainment news, sports news and more. If it's gullible news you want, you'll get it here.

You won't believe just how gullible some people are.

Look out for updates coming soon.