English Channel to be filled in!

In a move to encourage visitors from Europe to visit England plans have just been announced to fill in the English Channel to enable road traffic to drive directly from Europe into the country.

In a statement released by the Ministry of Tourism it was announced that ‘The English Channel has long been a barrier to the motorist, both in England and in Europe. After a long meeting with the European Tourist Society, based in Paris, France, it was agreed that the easiest and cheapest method to assist the motorist would be to fill in the gap between England and France’

It is thought the spiralling costs of running the Channel Tunnel persuaded both parties that this would be the best option to choose for both sides. The statement continued to say ‘Shipping will not be affected as there will be two canals built, with bridges spanning both of them, to enable any sized shipping vessel to navigate between the North Sea and the Atlantic Ocean via the south of England.

The project will also be a boost to the property market in the south-east of England and the north-west of France.

A spokesman for the Keep England English Group, James Smithys-Saint-Hornet, however gave the following warning to the project, “This will just make it far easier for anyone to come into the country. Now, instead of trying to hide themselves in Lorries and cars they’ll be able to walk it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist, I love a curry as much as anyone, but there just isn’t room for all these people who keep coming over, no work for them either”.

It must be noted here that Mr Smithys-Saint-Hornet’s opinion in no way reflects those of The Gullible Times or its staff.

Workers for P&O and other ferry operators are meeting to discuss a course of action tomorrow.

Work is expected to start after the London Olympics in 2012.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Yuri Gagarin was English

Very few people know that Yuri Gagarin was actually English.

He was born in the tiny hamlet of Milton Clevedon in Somerset, the only son of George and Abigail. He had a quiet rural upbringing and left school with but the basic education.

In 1943 a secret department in Whitehall gained funds to start the British Space Organisation (BSO) and they were soon advertising for personnel. However, because of the War in Europe they found very few willing to join. The BSO concentrated on helping the British develop the RADAR system whilst the war continued and quietly set itself up in waiting for peace to arrive.

As soon as the war was over they advertised again. This time they were inundated with ex-RAF and Navy personnel. In 1946 Yuri, or Gary as was his English name, applied and was taken in to work at the then secret location of Bletchley Park.

By 1957 Yuri had applied himself well and was first in the pecking order to be Britain’s first man into space. The only problem now was that, due to the post war recession, funds were low and a rocket that was powerful enough to take a man into space was too costly to build.

By now the Soviets and the USA had taken the lead in the space race. They were also keen to employ technicians and experts that had shown their worth during the war. Yuri was courted by both countries but, perhaps because of fighting with the Russians during the war, Yuri went east.
On 1st April 1961 he telephoned his father, his mother died a year previously, to tell him that he would become the first man in space in 11 days time. Sadly, thinking it was an April Fools prank his father put the phone down without saying a word. Two days later his father died of a heart-attack.

12th April 1961 Vostock 1 took off from the launch pad with Yuri inside. Twenty five minutes later he was weightless and orbiting the Earth. He was also nearly legless as he had sneaked in a couple of bottles of cider into his capsule, in honour of his West Country roots. The mixture of pure oxygen and alcohol was a strong one. Luckily he was able to sober himself up before he landed with the help of a traditional English roast dinner that he’d also managed to smuggle onboard.

Once he landed Yuri was created a national hero. Parades were arranged in his honour and medals were awarded him by his adoptive country. Back home in Somerset some of his old school mates had a few ciders for him in the local pub, appropriately called ‘The Star’.

In March 1968 Yuri was tragically killed in an air crash on the Russian-Norwegian border. His body was never found.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.