Glastonbury Festival to move site

At the end of this years’ Glastonbury Festival farm owner and co-organiser will stun the local populous by announcing that the festival will be moved to another site.

The Gullible Times have been reliably informed by its sources that Mr Eavis has been in negotiations with many venues for many years to move the festival from its current Somerset location.

Over the years Eavis has had to fight a yearly battle to obtain a licence for the festival from Mendip District Council and, because of this, he felt it was time to move. Many believe that people on the council, based in Shepton Mallet, were aware of his desires and were concerned the area would be hit by a huge loss of revenue, which is why the council recently gave him a six-year licence in an effort to keep the festival at its current site in nearby Pilton.

However, it now appears Eavis has already signed a deal.

The Gullible Times can exclusively reveal that the Glastonbury Festival 2013 will be held at the site that will become vacant after the 2012 Olympic Games have been held. Specifically, the main stage will be in the middle of the Olympic Stadium with the performers and crew using the Olympic Village for accommodation. Other stages still have to be allocated their new positions on the Olympic complex.

In a leaked statement to be read out after this year’s festivities come to a close Eavis is quoted as saying “For years I have had to battle MDC (Mendip District Council) at Shepton Mallet just to get a licence for the gig. It’s got to the stage where I feel they do not want me or the music in their area, so time to move on. I’m sure some residents of Pilton will be glad to see the back of me, but I’m equally sure there will be many who will miss me. Either way I have to do what’s best for the festival and, if moving it will mean the festival continues long after I’m gone, then so be it”.

Rumours that the festival will change its name to the Glasto-London Festival of Music and Arts have, so far, been unproven.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

June - July Blackout across parts of Europe

Scientists are predicting more eruptions from the active Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull 'pronounced' "Ay-yah-fyah-lah-yoh-kull" as approved by Susie Dent from the English Oxford Dictionary and of course Countdown fame.

The volcano has become so unstable in the last few days scientists are concerned that it will trigger the larger volcano which unfortunately cannot be translated into English. This almighty volcano only stands 70 miles away, and underground movement has started to create lava flows 300 feet below the surface linking both volcano's. If the big one erupts it would spell disaster across much of Europe including the British Isles. The ash content could block out the sun during the last two weeks of June and the first two weeks of July Twenty Four hours a day.

Plants would die, animals will hibernate, and according to reports coming from Somerset, the electric bill for the Glastonbury Festival would exceed Ten Million pounds! There are late talks about cancelling the Festival because of the costs, but Mr Eavis who holds and runs the Festival said " The only Ash that will bring this festival to its knees is that band from Northern Ireland.

It was revealed today by Mr Eavis that he was actually born in Iceland and moved to Somerset in 1975 when Bjork was born!

Story by Charlie Snorter.