England’s drivers to drive on the right.

Following the announcement to fill in the English Channel (See entry English Channel to be filled in!) and in a move to come into line with other EEC countries England’s drivers will be instructed to drive on the right side of the road. This rule will come in to force sometime during November 2013.

However, drivers in Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales will STILL continue to drive on the LEFT!

This has caused many drivers associations to condemn the government’s plans as ‘An accident waiting to happen’. “What a stupid rule, it’s just an accident waiting to happen”, said David Mintyburg from the RAC. He continued, “What the government think they’re doing is anyone’s guess, it’s just ludicrous, idiotic, I can’t believe this is going to happen”.

It must be noted here that Mr Mintyburg’s opinion in no way reflects those of The Gullible Times or its staff.

A government spokesman, Geoff Haffendon, stated the following; “We in the government feel it is our duty to do what we can to make Britain a safer place to live and to be a more enjoyable experience for visitors to these shores. Part of that commitment is to do something about the high number of road incidents. It is a well known fact that anyone coming from Europe currently finds driving on the ‘wrong’ side of the road awkward and unnecessary, so we are doing something to address the issue. Once the English Channel has been filled in we want to encourage visitors to England and this is one way to make them feel more welcome”. When asked about the other home nations not taking part in the instruction Mr Haffendon refused to comment.

The Irish Republic announced that they had no need to join in with the plan as, and I quote, “All our drivers drive in the middle of the road anyway”.

Car manufacturers have welcomed the move.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

English Channel to be filled in!

In a move to encourage visitors from Europe to visit England plans have just been announced to fill in the English Channel to enable road traffic to drive directly from Europe into the country.

In a statement released by the Ministry of Tourism it was announced that ‘The English Channel has long been a barrier to the motorist, both in England and in Europe. After a long meeting with the European Tourist Society, based in Paris, France, it was agreed that the easiest and cheapest method to assist the motorist would be to fill in the gap between England and France’

It is thought the spiralling costs of running the Channel Tunnel persuaded both parties that this would be the best option to choose for both sides. The statement continued to say ‘Shipping will not be affected as there will be two canals built, with bridges spanning both of them, to enable any sized shipping vessel to navigate between the North Sea and the Atlantic Ocean via the south of England.

The project will also be a boost to the property market in the south-east of England and the north-west of France.

A spokesman for the Keep England English Group, James Smithys-Saint-Hornet, however gave the following warning to the project, “This will just make it far easier for anyone to come into the country. Now, instead of trying to hide themselves in Lorries and cars they’ll be able to walk it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist, I love a curry as much as anyone, but there just isn’t room for all these people who keep coming over, no work for them either”.

It must be noted here that Mr Smithys-Saint-Hornet’s opinion in no way reflects those of The Gullible Times or its staff.

Workers for P&O and other ferry operators are meeting to discuss a course of action tomorrow.

Work is expected to start after the London Olympics in 2012.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

England World Cup Betting Scandal

Just days before England's opening match of the 2010 World Cup yet more embarrassment was placed on the England World Cup camp yesterday when it emerged that a betting scandal was taking place.

A source working closely with the team said that Wayne Bridge had been taking bets on which WAG John Terry would score with during the first week of the tournament.

Bridge fell out with then team-mate Terry whilst still at Chelsea because of the mickey-taking antics of the former England captain.

Our source reveals that, during training, Terry would encourage Bridge to run forward, knock the ball down the left wing and shout to the left-back “There you go, cross that, Bridge, when you come to it”. A number of Bridge’s colleagues felt Terry’s constant barracking was too much.

It didn’t stop when Bridge and his then girlfriend, underwear model Vanessa Perroncel (28), parted. Apparently Terry would shout out “Look out, low Bridge” and sing the song ‘Bridge Over Troubled Waters’ as the troubled left-back turned up for England training.

It now appears that Bridge is getting his own back.

For those who want to know Abigail Clancy (24), the girlfriend of Peter Crouch is the red hot favourite according to our source.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Unknown Dinosaur Skeleton found deep in Cheddar

Reports coming from central Somerset is that the Bristol School of Archaeology have discovered a totally new species of prehistoric killing machine.

The bones were discovered last month deep inside an unknown chamber in Cheddar caves. The archaeologists were actually scraping away at an area that looked like the remains of a caveman, and found a deep hollow.

Inside the vast chamber was a complete and intact skeleton of a creature not known to human kind, and early reports confirm it probably dates back to the Triasic period, which is about 930 million years ago.

After three weeks of careful and delicate scraping, the bones all intact were removed from the chamber. Scientists, Archaeologists travelled across the globe to capture this remarkable moment.

Its not confirmed by the PMS ( prehistoric monster society ) what the new skeleton will be called but early rumours from the DNA ( dinosaur naming association ) has its money on Cheddarcavious.

Story by Charlie Snorter.

Bomb scare at England training camp!

Fears rose today over the safety of our players at the England training camp in Austria.

Just a couple of weeks away from the World Cup, our dreams could have been shattered forever. During a training session today in the high altitude of the Austrian Alps.

David James and Peter Crouch both collapsed during a challenge on the goal line during a friendly match arranged between the 30 man squad by Fabio Capello the Manager, Coach, and Director of Football.

The England Medical team rushed to the incident and found both players struggling to breathe, oxygen was used to revive the players, and Capello called off the training session immediately and ordered an instant inquiry.

It was found that when Crouch and James landed after the challenge, it set off an old World War Two gas bomb that was buried just centimetres below the turf just inside the six yard box.

An expert said if it had fully detonated the whole town and surrounding countryside would have been poisoned with mustard gas, endangering life and wildlife to extinction in this particular area, which would have cover approximately three hundred square miles.

There are reports already coming from Hollywood about making this story into a film, with The Great Escape 2 suspected to be the title. Some reports say that MGM have already signed up David Beckham and Gareth Barry to play themselves, other reports believe Ossie Ardiles may come out of retirement to play small part in the production.

The England camp have now moved to safer grounds in Poland.

Story by Charlie Snorter.