U-TURN on Smoking Ban

The Government have been concerned about the amount of pubs closing in Britain. Every week sixteen pubs close down, causing thousands of job losses and empty buildings every year.

However, a new Bill will come into effect very soon. A trial will be held and will take place at the end of July in Ashford, Kent.

A disused pub is being opened up for Smokers. The idea is that you enter the pub without tobacco, and buy tobacco and smoking accessories at the bar, thus enabling the Landlord to make his living.

But you cannot buy alcohol in the premises. The idea is that you bring your own alcohol, but it can only be drunk outside of the premises as the landlord only has a smoking licence and not an alcohol licence.

John Benson a leading marketing guru commented "If this takes off it will give back to the community what they have been wanting since the smoking ban. It would also take tobacco out of our top supermarkets and corner shops, making it harder for kids to get. And also it would push cheap alcohol from the shelves of local supermarkets.

If this trial is successful, empty pubs will be open all over the country, taking 300,000 off the dole by Christmas.

Ray Hedges who used to drink and smoke in the pub being used said, " This is a fantastic idea, I think it will catch on. And aptly the pub will be renamed " THE PUFFIN "

Story by Charlie Snorter

Glastonbury Festival to move site

At the end of this years’ Glastonbury Festival farm owner and co-organiser will stun the local populous by announcing that the festival will be moved to another site.

The Gullible Times have been reliably informed by its sources that Mr Eavis has been in negotiations with many venues for many years to move the festival from its current Somerset location.

Over the years Eavis has had to fight a yearly battle to obtain a licence for the festival from Mendip District Council and, because of this, he felt it was time to move. Many believe that people on the council, based in Shepton Mallet, were aware of his desires and were concerned the area would be hit by a huge loss of revenue, which is why the council recently gave him a six-year licence in an effort to keep the festival at its current site in nearby Pilton.

However, it now appears Eavis has already signed a deal.

The Gullible Times can exclusively reveal that the Glastonbury Festival 2013 will be held at the site that will become vacant after the 2012 Olympic Games have been held. Specifically, the main stage will be in the middle of the Olympic Stadium with the performers and crew using the Olympic Village for accommodation. Other stages still have to be allocated their new positions on the Olympic complex.

In a leaked statement to be read out after this year’s festivities come to a close Eavis is quoted as saying “For years I have had to battle MDC (Mendip District Council) at Shepton Mallet just to get a licence for the gig. It’s got to the stage where I feel they do not want me or the music in their area, so time to move on. I’m sure some residents of Pilton will be glad to see the back of me, but I’m equally sure there will be many who will miss me. Either way I have to do what’s best for the festival and, if moving it will mean the festival continues long after I’m gone, then so be it”.

Rumours that the festival will change its name to the Glasto-London Festival of Music and Arts have, so far, been unproven.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Not a BLEAK outlook for Christine!

Reports coming from inner London this week is that telly babe Band Lamps missus Christine Bleakley will defect the BBC, but not for ITV as expected.

Word is, that the Ulster born WAG has been offered a lucrative contract with Chelsea Football Club in the role of Club Ambassador. The job means travelling the globe to get Chelsea FC worldwide recognition, as well as other roles that the strenuous job incurs. It is believed the Belfast beauty will quit The One Show once Lamps gets home from South Africa which could be as early as next week.

Her salary per annum is reported to be in the Ten Million bracket, which puts her among the richest females in the football industry along side Karen Brady of Birmingham and West Ham fame.

Its not known if the contract has been signed yet as the BBC are desperately trying to keep there couch beauty with other lucrative offers, including her being the face of the new Top of the Pops, which is due on our screens in the autumn.

However, the Chelsea job is something she could find hard not to turn down. Sources say that her Chelsea and England boyfriend Frank Lampard has been a great influence on her life in the last six months, and it looks like Stamford Bridge is going to be her new home.

Her agent refused to say anything yesterday, but waved his blue football scarf at us.

Story by Charlie Snorter

England’s drivers to drive on the right.

Following the announcement to fill in the English Channel (See entry English Channel to be filled in!) and in a move to come into line with other EEC countries England’s drivers will be instructed to drive on the right side of the road. This rule will come in to force sometime during November 2013.

However, drivers in Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales will STILL continue to drive on the LEFT!

This has caused many drivers associations to condemn the government’s plans as ‘An accident waiting to happen’. “What a stupid rule, it’s just an accident waiting to happen”, said David Mintyburg from the RAC. He continued, “What the government think they’re doing is anyone’s guess, it’s just ludicrous, idiotic, I can’t believe this is going to happen”.

It must be noted here that Mr Mintyburg’s opinion in no way reflects those of The Gullible Times or its staff.

A government spokesman, Geoff Haffendon, stated the following; “We in the government feel it is our duty to do what we can to make Britain a safer place to live and to be a more enjoyable experience for visitors to these shores. Part of that commitment is to do something about the high number of road incidents. It is a well known fact that anyone coming from Europe currently finds driving on the ‘wrong’ side of the road awkward and unnecessary, so we are doing something to address the issue. Once the English Channel has been filled in we want to encourage visitors to England and this is one way to make them feel more welcome”. When asked about the other home nations not taking part in the instruction Mr Haffendon refused to comment.

The Irish Republic announced that they had no need to join in with the plan as, and I quote, “All our drivers drive in the middle of the road anyway”.

Car manufacturers have welcomed the move.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

English Channel to be filled in!

In a move to encourage visitors from Europe to visit England plans have just been announced to fill in the English Channel to enable road traffic to drive directly from Europe into the country.

In a statement released by the Ministry of Tourism it was announced that ‘The English Channel has long been a barrier to the motorist, both in England and in Europe. After a long meeting with the European Tourist Society, based in Paris, France, it was agreed that the easiest and cheapest method to assist the motorist would be to fill in the gap between England and France’

It is thought the spiralling costs of running the Channel Tunnel persuaded both parties that this would be the best option to choose for both sides. The statement continued to say ‘Shipping will not be affected as there will be two canals built, with bridges spanning both of them, to enable any sized shipping vessel to navigate between the North Sea and the Atlantic Ocean via the south of England.

The project will also be a boost to the property market in the south-east of England and the north-west of France.

A spokesman for the Keep England English Group, James Smithys-Saint-Hornet, however gave the following warning to the project, “This will just make it far easier for anyone to come into the country. Now, instead of trying to hide themselves in Lorries and cars they’ll be able to walk it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist, I love a curry as much as anyone, but there just isn’t room for all these people who keep coming over, no work for them either”.

It must be noted here that Mr Smithys-Saint-Hornet’s opinion in no way reflects those of The Gullible Times or its staff.

Workers for P&O and other ferry operators are meeting to discuss a course of action tomorrow.

Work is expected to start after the London Olympics in 2012.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

England World Cup Betting Scandal

Just days before England's opening match of the 2010 World Cup yet more embarrassment was placed on the England World Cup camp yesterday when it emerged that a betting scandal was taking place.

A source working closely with the team said that Wayne Bridge had been taking bets on which WAG John Terry would score with during the first week of the tournament.

Bridge fell out with then team-mate Terry whilst still at Chelsea because of the mickey-taking antics of the former England captain.

Our source reveals that, during training, Terry would encourage Bridge to run forward, knock the ball down the left wing and shout to the left-back “There you go, cross that, Bridge, when you come to it”. A number of Bridge’s colleagues felt Terry’s constant barracking was too much.

It didn’t stop when Bridge and his then girlfriend, underwear model Vanessa Perroncel (28), parted. Apparently Terry would shout out “Look out, low Bridge” and sing the song ‘Bridge Over Troubled Waters’ as the troubled left-back turned up for England training.

It now appears that Bridge is getting his own back.

For those who want to know Abigail Clancy (24), the girlfriend of Peter Crouch is the red hot favourite according to our source.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Unknown Dinosaur Skeleton found deep in Cheddar

Reports coming from central Somerset is that the Bristol School of Archaeology have discovered a totally new species of prehistoric killing machine.

The bones were discovered last month deep inside an unknown chamber in Cheddar caves. The archaeologists were actually scraping away at an area that looked like the remains of a caveman, and found a deep hollow.

Inside the vast chamber was a complete and intact skeleton of a creature not known to human kind, and early reports confirm it probably dates back to the Triasic period, which is about 930 million years ago.

After three weeks of careful and delicate scraping, the bones all intact were removed from the chamber. Scientists, Archaeologists travelled across the globe to capture this remarkable moment.

Its not confirmed by the PMS ( prehistoric monster society ) what the new skeleton will be called but early rumours from the DNA ( dinosaur naming association ) has its money on Cheddarcavious.

Story by Charlie Snorter.