The 'Power' pays for his genius

Darts supremo Phil 'The Power' Taylor will have to overcome an obstacle that no other dart player in the history of the game have ever encountered.

The PDC (Professional Darts Council), have held an exclusive meeting and decided that the arrow master from Stoke On Trent who wins most tournaments across the globe, that from next season 2011-2012 the maestro will start on 601 and his opponents starting on the traditional 501.

A spokesman for the PDC Ivan Harrow said after the meeting that this will give every other dart player a chance to be a winner.

However Taylors management team are up in arms about this decision, Taylors spokesman Simon Hockey said this is an insult to Phil and the game in general, its not fair that Phil's superb talent should be handicapped. In fact, his fellow professionals should up there game to Phil's standards.

The multi millionaire Taylor commented last night from his mansion in the Potteries, this sort of thing doesn't really bother me, if they want i'll only throw two darts, nothing fazes me, when i am on the oche i am totally focused on beating my opponent, 601, two darts bring them on.

Darts legend Eric Bristow commented, if the PDC think this will stop Taylor, i'll pick up my darts tomorrow and get some practise in, it would be nice to win something again.

Story by Charlie Snorter

Isle of Wight on the move

Scientist based in Portsmouth has announced today that the Isle of Wight is moving south at an alarming rate.

Measurements taken over the last 12 years have provided evidence that the island is not just moving further away from the mainland, but is speeding up.

The measurements show that in 1999 the Hampshire island was edging south at a rate of one inch (2.5cm) a year. In 2009 the rate has increased to 100 FEET (35 metres) per year.

Doug Trenches, Geologist and Plate tectonic expert at Portsmouth University, explained, “The Island is moving away from the mainland at an alarming rate for a land mass. We know land is moving all the time, which is why we have earthquakes, but this is something else. Why and how are things, as yet, we don’t understand. Basically it’s like a runaway ship, and a large one at that. I can’t see it getting slower, only faster”.

Mike Chinn from the Ocean Liners and Passenger Ferry Trade Union (OLPFTU) expressed his concern with the affect this will have with shipping; “I must say that we at the OLPFTU are concerned and are currently arranging a seminar to help those who will be affected. Shipping companies will have to change their routes to avoid the island and Passenger Ferry companies will also need to update their health and safety policy”.

Sid Sneeth, a private ferry operator from Limington, stated “I’ll have to see if I can put me prices up, now we have to go further”.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Car Transporters to beat congestion

The new coalition government has announced today a new plan to reduce the amount of congestion on the countries motorways.

As from 2011 all inside lanes on the major motorways will be designated ‘Transporter Lanes’ and will be used by car transporters taking commuters to and from their workplace, with their cars.
The idea is the brainchild of Conservative MP for Kinston-St Paul Major Gerald Wilkinson-Smythe.

“It will work in a similar way to the ‘park & ride’ schemes” said the Major, “only in this case the cars are driven onto a transporter before being taken along the motorways to their required destinations. Prices will be fixed per route, so it won’t matter what type of car you have, it will be the same price for all”

In a statement released by the coalition last night it suggested the scheme would enable more cars to travel on the motorways without congesting the routes. It would also mean the driver would be in complete control as to whether they return on the transporter or drive to another destination themselves. It would also enable the drivers to work whilst travelling as there will be electrical outlets available to enable commuters to plug in laptops and other electrical devices.
It is understood there would be loyalty points given to the drivers that make use of the scheme which will enable them to purchase petrol/diesel at a cheaper rate. To encourage drivers to make the return journey on the transporter triple points would be rewarded to those who decide to take that option. The sites of the loading and dropping off points will be located next to existing Park & Ride sites to enable the commuter the option of using the bus once at their chosen destination.

A spokesman for the RAC has released a short statement applauding the idea. It reads:
‘We applaud the idea. Any way of reducing the amount of traffic on our roads is welcomed, and this scheme rates highly on our books’.

Work will start on creating the loading and drop off points in the autumn with the M4 being the first motorway planned to be up and running with the scheme by 31st January 2011.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

The Stig to appear on Strictly Come Dancing

Top Gear has announced that it has agreed for The Stig to appear in the forthcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing, providing he keeps his helmet on.

The mysterious ‘Tame Racing driver’ from the hit BBC2 show will partner former winner Alesha Dixon and will be competing against other well known celebrities to impress the judges and the viewing public in order to survive potential elimination.

Dixon, 39, is said to be thrilled to be partnering The Stig but is concerned his helmet may get in the way of some of the moves.

Producers of the popular show tried to convince the Top Gear man to remove his trade mark helmet during the dance routines, promising they would pixelate his face when the programme was broadcast in the autumn. However The Stig would have none of it and threatened to walk out on the deal. Eventually the show’s producers gave in and agreed for the popular driver to keep his helmet on.

Top Gear co-presenter Jeremy Clarkson said “We all think it’s brilliant. I think he’ll be great. During filming of the show he’s always listening to that dance hall music crap”.

Other celebrities booked for the show include Timmy Mallett, Bill Gates, Lewis Hamilton, Paris Hilton and O.J. Simpson.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

David Beckham to replace Ross

The BBC has announced today that David Beckham will replace Jonathan Ross as the Friday night chat show host.

Ross hosts his last show next Friday (16th July) before he leaves the BBC after 10 years of employment.

For Beckham this will be the first step away from football and into a lucrative career in the TV industry. A move he has been craving and working on for some time.

Sources in the US of A say that since he has been based in the States he has had his head turned away from football by his celebrity friends. His latest injury, which forced him out of England’s World Cup squad, is thought to have been the final straw for the 43 year old winger. Our sources say that during a dinner with Robert Downey Junior, Calista Flockhart and Scary Spice he bemoaned the current state of English football and declared his interest in the Hollywood industry. It is believed that it was Downey Junior, a close friend of Ross, who first suggested to Beckham to take the place of the outgoing TV host.

After many meetings and screen tests the suitably impressed BBC executives offered him a five year contract to host the Friday evening chat show.

Rumours that his wife is to replace the popular musical foursome Four Poofs and a Piano are as yet unfounded.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

New Coalition Stamp Announced

The Royal Mail has announced that it is in the process of designing and producing a ‘coalition’ stamp.

This will be a first for the Royal Mail as, up until now, with the exception of the current monarch no living person from parliament has ever been represented on a UK stamp.

A spokesman for the Royal Mail, Sir Harvey Wallop, stated that, "The Royal Mail decided it was time to come into the modern age and change the rules. For the last 170 years we have followed rules laid down by Sir Rowland Hill. Today we decide to leave that behind and start afresh. The Royal Mail has often been criticized for living in the past. We say no more. The Royal Mail has now stepped into the present and will take a lead on what happens to the service in the future”.

Sir Charles Gaffney, Labour MP for East Chiswick called the idea “A great waste of tax payers money” and a “Stupid and idiotic idea that makes the Royal Mail look more foolish than ever”.

Lady Frances Fenton-Smythe, the Conservative MP for Upper Stunthorpe thought the idea was wonderful and felt that “This has been something the Royal Mail should have done some time ago. Welcome to the 21st Century”.

Derek Cuttle, the Liberal MP for Gelling-on-Sea stated “I see this as a step forward for the country. I do understand the view of the Labour MP, however I can also see the point that the Conservative MP has made. I think it’s a bit of both.”

As we went to press it was not known as to the value of the coalition stamp would be.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.

Wimbledon Tennis & Football Club to ground share

In a move to ensure the fantastic facilities currently in use at Wimbledon are used throughout the year the Gullible Times have been advised that the All England Tennis Club and Wimbledon AFC have agreed to ground share for the next six years.

A spokesman for Wimbledon Football Club stated “I’m sure there are many fans wondering why we have decided on this venture but I say this; think of the many plus points there are for this football club. Apart from the fantastic facilities and the use of the ball boys and girls throughout the season we will also have one of the smallest pitches in the league, a pitch that will suit our style of play perfectly.

Tim Newton from the All England Tennis Club provided the press with the following statement.
“We at the All England Tennis Club wish to welcome Wimbledon Football Club to our hallowed arena and encourage them to make the most of our fantastic facilities. All of the board see this venture as being good, not just for lawn tennis, but also for football and the surrounding community”.

A spokesman from the Football Association refused to comment on whether the size of the pitch, restricted in size, was legal for the forthcoming season and would only say “The FA are more than pleased to see ground sharing in these difficult economical times. The All England Tennis Club and Wimbledon FC should be congratulated and applauded for their forward thinking and we all hope this venture will encourage other football teams to ground share in the future”.

Ex Wimbledon footballer turned film star Vinnie Jones refused to comment when told of the news whilst on location for his latest film, ‘Romeo & Juliet 2’.

Story by Dennis Birdcamp.